Let's talk about it/Keeping It Real,  Personal Diaries

The Unending Misogynistic Marriage Conversations

It’s hard not to feel humorless, as a woman and a feminist, to recognize misogyny in so many forms, some great and some small, and know you’re not imagining things. It’s hard to be told to lighten up because if you lighten up any more, you’re going to float the fuck away. The problem is not that one of these things is happening; it’s that they are all happening, concurrently and constantly. – Roxane Gay, Bad Feminist.

Hi! It’s been a while. . . oops! Scratch that! I know that doesn’t cut it right. Too simple a greeting for being so far away from the blog for that long🤦. I’m sorry for what seemed like another hiatus but that’s not what it is I promise. More like, my life had sort of changed and it’s gonna take me the whole of this month to readjust and map out a plan to have time, I mean adequately to commit myself and do all the things that I’d love and love to do.

 

So, how did my life change?

 

Well, you’ll be getting to know how one step at a time.

 

Okay. . . then, what has been going on in my life lately?

 

A lot y’all! So many things have been going on but let’s talk about one of those many today. Shall we?

Two nights ago, I was at the Porters’ Lodge to submit some documents. The man I met, looked at me and asked,

“Are you married?”

I said “No. I’m not.”

I probably thought he needed it for some orderings but I realized, not at all.

Then he looked at me pathetically, like he was moved with pity for me and he asked, “how are you coping?”

Hahahahahaha I swear, I laughed out, not because it was funny, but because I had suffered – a marital malfunction (lol).

Then he looked at me keenly, like he was serious. Then he said, like all those Uncles/Aunts lol, “I don’t know your age but you should work towards it. You know, men don’t like women that are too educated. It scares us.”

In my mind, I was like “speak for yourself old man” while still marveled at the fact that this shitty way of reasoning still existed.

The man looked like he was in his very late 40s and he went on to ask me if I never dated during my undergraduate days and if I did, what’s up with it.

You know how irritated you get with a conversation and you just had to keep up with it for culture’s sake and respect’s sake, so you don’t look like you’ve lost your home training and you kinda did a very whack job training yourself too, so you don’t keep quiet but nod and keep saying words like, I understand, you’re right! Well, that was how I felt.

This man just wouldn’t stop. He went on to tell me how women are quick to become disrespectful all thanks to education. He was like “You know education is not really helping women sometimes. Take for instance, your man is level 13 and you’re level 13 and you can’t respect him no more and you keep telling him, shey is car, you can buy it, I can buy it too!  Buy land? I can buy the goddamn land too!” you know, he wasn’t saying it exactly like that, but that was what he was saying, he was just saying it in Yoruba with a mix of English.

He was letting me realize how “too much success makes women very proud and disrespectful to their man. So, you wanna keep a woman respectful, limit her success and cut her educational wings; more like never let a woman be ahead or equal on all levels with a man cos that’s how she begins to exert equality.” he said. 

Men know that women are an overmatch for them, and therefore they choose the weakest or the most ignorant. If they did not think so, they never could be afraid of women knowing as much as themselves.~ Samuel Johnson Click To Tweet

I’m shook.

It’s funny how we’re quick to come up with the word too much when it comes to women and aspirations but more and more when it comes to men and their aspirations.

At a point, I realized this man must have thought he was really making sense yea! I could tell he felt he was.

Then he moved on to say the most appalling and misogynistic words that come out from most Nigerian men to a woman when they want to say something very senseless about women that looks like wisdom to them.

So, he was like “I am very sorry to say this to you because you’re a woman but the truth is, women dim the spiritual light of men.”

Wawu! See, it wasn’t the words that were most insulting, it was the fact that he had to apologise to say it; trying to make it less irritating/offensive to me as a woman but the truth is, the apology makes it more offensive cos I’m woman and you can’t take that away from me.

Apologizing to me and making me feel like an exclusion when you’re generalizing women in a terrible, demeaning and misogynistic utterance is simply a ploy aimed at making a fool of the woman hoping she falls for it cos most women do in such situations and they just smile like nah, he’s not including me! and then the man looks wise and sensible but he’s not! He and his words are offensive.

It’s funny how we're quick to come up with the word too much when it comes to women and aspirations but more and more when it comes to men and their aspirations Click To Tweet

 

You’re wondering, how did he jump from me getting married to women not good for men’s spiritual life?

 

Well, he was talking about Prophet S. K. Abiara getting married again to a 50 year old woman who said she hasn’t been with a man before. First, he felt really sad for the woman and blamed her years of singleness on amassing too much education and then he asked what else a man like Prophet Abiara at his age was busy looking for in a woman 😂and I was like, man was used to being with a woman, he probably cannot cope with not being with one and most importantly, he’s a man of God; to avoid falling into ridicule and temptations.

Then he jumped into No! someone like him should have come to a place of deep spirituality where women don’t mean nothing to him again cos women reduces the strength and power of a man spiritually.

Wow! I was moved with pity for myself that I had to stand and listen to all those words because I was trying not to be rude but I was very sad for the man because nothing I would have said to him would have changed his orientation hearing that he said, all things being equal and if his plans go well and his daughter enters University by 16, he wants her to get married by 21. Like what da heck is wrong with this man? But I realized misogyny was his problem. Like you can’t think of better for your daughter at 21 and you think a woman chasing more after first degree without a man in the picture already is being unreasonable and then you think women hinders spirituality, wow! man must be really outdated cos women bring down the glory of God best! God loves women. Man don’t even know a man’s spirituality is strengthened and covered and is on fire with a woman.

In fact, women are more spiritually on fire than men and yea, I said what I said. Also, praying together and leveraging on (Mathew 18:18-20) is one of the beautiful benefits of couples in marriage and it is not because of holding hands but because you pray as one! But mehn! I had to let the man be and keep doing the talking while I just shake my head in my mind and muse on the crazy spewing.

I think what could have made me angry would have been that moment when he closed his words saying, if he didn’t know better, he would have mistaken me for a 100 level student cos of my body size and stature and if I could look like this (size), that means I was much more smaller as an undergraduate! But I wasn’t angry ’cause I get the body questioning, diagnosis and shaming a lot – like hey! You’re tiny! Hey! You should eat more! Hey! You look small! Hey! You should give yourself rest of mind and allow yourself put on 😂 and then he said, if I get married, I will be robust and look like a true woman, very rounded!

Wooooah! I was like hold up! This man just ascribed my body stature to my singleness. . . Right there, I was done. It was like the Holy Spirit was holding me down, keeping me from opening my mouth and going Chimamanda on the man ’cause I was just finding it irritatingly funny; I was just smiling like a weirdo to derail my mind from getting angry and I just walked away like I just discovered I could do that.

I left and couldn’t stop wondering, how such a man could still maintain such a sense of reasoning in an academic environment? Like how is such a man employed in an academic environment but I’m not surprised, there are still a lot of academics out there who still reason exactly the same way this man who is barely a non-academic employee reasons.

In fact, women are more spiritually on fire than men and yea, I said what I said. Click To Tweet

And then it dawned on me, all these insults just to submit a document. . . women eyes dey see nonsense sha.

Anyways, till I come your way again. . .

 

What’s the most misogynistic utterance that has been said to you? Ever had any misogynistic experience? That very appalling experience and people putting their face in your marriage/single life? How did you handle it? Please do share with me by leaving a comment in the comment box. I want to read from you and respond to you! 

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Hugs and Light, 

💕

Ibukunwrites.

 

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Feminist with unconventional thoughts . . . an everything art, literature, daily living and lifestyle world with enough faith toppings. Sometimes, the toppings are everything. Here, you give in to your cravings, get satisfied, crave anew and stay addicted.

12 Comments

  • Dee.

    I am proud I know you mehn!!
    I love the way your brain works.
    On misorgny, I think I have a bullshit detector that helps me recognize stupidity miles away. So luckily, I don’t ever meet men like that and on the few occasions I did, I didn’t say nothing.
    My silence did the talking.
    I learnt that to be heard at times you need to be quiet.

    P.S I am so happy you are back.




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  • Tejumania

    A whole lot of it, some people seem to think my decision of making something for myself before any sort of commitment is pride. Some say being single for too long won’t make me love right. Some say why decide to do masters now when I can have it in my husband’s house? But do they all make sense to me? NO! I do what I do when I want




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    • ibukunwrites

      The last part “But do they all make sense. . .? NO!!!!” In short, they don’t have to make sense to us no matter how much they try. Thanks love for sharing with me! Looking forward to more of your presence.❤️




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  • Debs

    I’m always quick to put people like this in their place. I won’t even let the conversation drag for that long, no way. I correct your ignorance and help you understand it is foolish to even think like that.

    Totally up to you to realize or not. I won’t even let you rub that off on me. I love how you patiently handled it though.




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    • ibukunwrites

      😂😂😂😂😂😂 I think that’s the most important part “won’t let you rub it off on me; school your ignorance or not!”. . . Thanks a lot Debs! Sometimes, schooling some people is just cheer waste of time ❤️




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  • Uche

    I think men who are threatened by the success or educational level of women are just weak. People tend to forget how powerful a woman can be. . For me i feel women are the strongest, they are like the x factor in achieving success. If only some men know how many times the prayers of their wives, mothers and daughters have saved them .




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    • ibukunwrites

      Loud it for the men at the extreme back of reasoning love and the ones who often speak with the phallus!!! Some men need to read your opening paragraph in blocks and caps! 🙌🙌🙌🙌 thanks for acknowledging the awesomeness called “woman”. . . your comment be giving me life👌🔥🔥🔥. . . that closing part! You know this! “if only some men knew. . .” thanks Uche!!!!! Thanks don’t cut your comment❤️♥️💕




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  • Gav L

    Hi Ibukun, firstly it’s your blog so you decide how frequently you post, it’s good to read new posts especially this one. Just reading this wondering where these guys appear from. I like your instinct to “go all Chimamanda” but you decided to let him demonstrate how ignorant he is. I despair that men end up like this, is it a lack of education? Why is it threatening for women to be educated? Must have missed that class thankfully. Women challenge men and that’s a good thing, I work with a lot of women at all levels in our company and they all challenge me to be a better person and a better manager. Iron sharpens iron. We need more women in leadership posts because working on projects with women changes the perspective and makes us as men look at the world differently. As a father I want my daughter to achieve great things and be self sufficient whether she marries or not, the days of relying on men to provide and being subservient need to be history. It’s a partnership based on respect . I married young, someone recently asked me how long I had been married, when I told them, they answered “what ! to the same woman?” I just walked away. Choose people who respect you




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    • ibukunwrites

      “Choose people who respect you!!!!”👌 awesome! Very resounding. I’m definitely keeping this at the fore of my mind. Thanks a lot for this beautiful comment. Your mind and reverence for women is awesome. I hope the world comes up with more men like you! May your hopes and dreams for your daughter become reality and may you live long to see her live it. Thank you❤️




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