Personal Diaries

29th July 2019: Hello there!

It’s 1.30a.m.

My roomie’s alarm is so loud. enough to wake me but not her.

I cannot remember the last time I worked overnight since my seminar.

I find it very difficult to sleep after a wake, so I let my mind turn the disturbing tune to a lullaby.

1.45a.m.

I’ve been dealing with insomnia for a larger part of my years. dragging my laptop, scribbling or trying to meet a deadline is how I make it productive. sometimes, I dance too. Other times, I cook ewa agoyin (shit takes times, so, it’s perfect). On some other days, I unpack my clothes. I begin to fold them, clean everywhere and then scrub my body as hard as I can afterwards.

I’m not crazy. 98% of the time on insomniac days, I’m writing my thoughts. The last time I picked beans, cooked it and fried sauce at 2.00a.m through 5.00a.m, was two years ago. I recall getting to work that morning, with a polythene bag of food for five and smelling agoyin sauce all over myself throughout the day.

Sometimes in October

That was the last time I packed my neatly folded clothes out of my wardrobe to fold them all over again. I was travelling for roughly few hours away from a small town, the next day, to meet with someone I had never really met in person. Thinking about it now, I would say, it was more than travel anxiety; it was a hunch.

Dance

One thing I do not strive to be excellent at. It’s how I drag joy in, morning, afternoon, night! Dance is how I’m most goofy.

It’s 2.00a.m.

Insomnia wins. I can no longer stand the alarm. It sucks at being a lullaby and sounds more like a buzzing of bees. I walk towards my roomie’s corner and turned it off. I open my wardrobe to bring out the can of cookies Rinumi sent me and just like that, I bid farewell to sleep.

A bottle of water and a handful of cookies at 2.00a.m. – all is not well. I say a long prayer. If I do not know better, I would say, God should have been tired of me by now. I think back in time and all the thoughts in my head are that I am tired of walking and working the same places over a long period of years.

I pray again.

It’s 3.00a.m.

Another alarm rings. She doesn’t wake up again. Sighs! I do not obey my alarm sometimes but I always listen first and then shut him up by going back to sleep. Again, I put it off.

A little water, one cookie and a reminder that I’m feeling drained. Then, I remember that Gabrielle Union Red Table Talk with Jada. That part she said her therapist/coach asked her to name three things that make her happy and here I am, I cannot even think of one.

3.20a.m.

Early this month, I drove out of a fellowship programme feeling pumped like a car with a full tank and now, I’m asking myself, why do I feel like I’m driving on an empty tank all of a sudden? God! I know not what makes me happy!

I want to cry but I think I have run out of tears. So, I pray. My heart bleeds and blood is many things to God but nothing. Abel, Passover night, Jesus. . .

If you ask me, I do not think I am going to make this kind of re-entry but here I am, 4.21a.m., typing my feelings and acknowledging how much I have invested my happiness in people and let it stem from things I do or don’t do and when those people leave (as always) or when I’m too tired to go on and want a little rest, everything falls apart because I can’t find a single happy in anything; not even me.

4.27a.m.

God says that I got it all wrong.

I remember the first time I bought Joyce Meyer’s Beauty for Ashes and the first time I read Sarah Jakes Roberts’ Lost and Found, I had thought that those books and the many others after it that I had read were to help make my journey to wholeness faster. I remember a particular preaching in that line where the point is, if it took those people 40 years to become, the goal is to help make yours lesser.

Everyday I keep learning that you don’t just listen to a word and apply it to your situation without first running it by your Spirit to see if it applies to your growth.

Those books weren’t to speed up my healing. God says, they were manuals of grace.

I thought I had no tears. Look at me, crying at past 4 in the morning like a baby – the revelation is overwhelming. A lot of times, people that I have opened my heart to have shamed me for how long it’s taking to heal in all parts and unconsciously, I have allowed I was _____ too! Look at me now! Why is it taking you forever to make me feel like a failure at my own journey and here is God telling me each of those books that I have read by people who share similar journeys as mine wasn’t to help me heal faster but to teach me self-kindness and grace.

God says

It’s true you left a fellowship feeling like a fully-fueled car but your fuel pump is leaking and you don’t know that it is, but you’re choking and I see you and that is not enough for you because you don’t even know that I do, so you’re busy hoping that person you’ve invested all your happiness in will stop ignoring your pain and act as they hear you.

You give my job to people to do and you think they can do it better. . . Love is not the end of you but the beginning of a new you! Therefore, your happiness is not in me but I am (your happiness). In other words, it means, even in nothing, you’re happy because I am! (I exist)

It’s 5.01am

I think I want to do something new with my life. I think I’m gonna stop crying now. I think I’m gonna find a little sleep before 8am with my ears plugged listening to Beyonce’s Otherside. I think I’m just gonna go ahead and publish this. I think I’m gonna save the exciting features announcement for the next blog post. I think I’m ready to find what makes me happy the healthy way since I already know who my happiness is. I think I’m fully read to live.

I hope this goes beyond you reading about how my night went into morning but how yours could transform too. I hope you find this inspiring in a way.

It’s such a long read. I can only hope you read it to the end.

Love, light and joy always,

Ibukunwrites.

You gotta trust your feet to find balance after a fall.

Ibukunwrites |29. 07. 2019 | 5.18am.

7 thoughts on “29th July 2019: Hello there!”

  1. Wow! This is such a lovely and inspiring read girl. Just reading the first few lines from the notification drew me in. Some intense revelation in here. It’s amazing how God uses our vulnerable moments to reveal Himself to us in ways we couldn’t imagine. I am really blessed by this. Your ability to express yourself like this is a gift in itself girl! Imagine people having such welled up feelings and thoughts with no ability to vent them in such a beautiful way. I am so amazed at the glory God is moulding you to. Men come to the brightness of your rising!

    1. Awww! Thanks sis! 🤗🤗 Your comment is so heart-warming and full of grace! Thank you so much. I’m so glad this post blessed you so much! Amen and Amen. I hope you keep me in your prayers! Thanks once again! ❤️

  2. Ebukun, I’m reading this on my train home. Very inspiring and honest. When my mind churns I often think I’m being prepared for a new challenge and a new direction. New can be good, try things even if they don’t work out they lead you on a journey and introduce you to me people.

    1. Hi Gavin! So good to resume reading from you on this platform after a long break. Your comment is so beautiful and inspiring too. Thanks a lot for reading. I’ll definitely keep the last part of your message in mind and allow myself try new things!

    1. Hey Queen! I’m so glad this resonated with you! These days I’ve been wondering intensely, “who are we to ever think God doesn’t love us enough? Cos sincerely, no one loves us more, not even ourselves.” Thanks a lot for reading and commenting. God bless! Stay growing! ❤️

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