LIFE BITS

On Lockdown and Finding Self

lockdown in Nigeria
Pic Credit – Pinterest

Hey fam! I know it’s been a while, or not since I’ve been here. How are y’all holding up during this lockdown period? Beyond the fact that I’ve had to reflect on a lot of things and make certain choices such as whether to let go of this blog or keep it (which apparently I did keep, judging by the fact that you’re reading from me right now), I think I’m fine.

When my domain expired last month and I wouldn’t stop getting mails from my host to renew, plus the “threatening” idea that I would have to pay more than double to reclaim the domain if I exceed the grace period, I thought of many things – first, how my cashlessness was convenient for the situation because for reals, I didn’t know what to do with the blog anymore and I had been nursing the idea of letting it go.

I think one of the positive sides of this lockdown is the opportunity it has afforded me to painstakingly reflect on my decisions before I take actions. Click To Tweet

Second, I thought if God miraculously provides the money, I could pour it to something more pressing and I could always start over with the blog (as per someone who is never afraid of starting over). Did he provide? Yes, he did. Did I still struggle with letting go or keeping it? Yes, I did. But at the end of the day, I realized why keeping this blog is the right call.

Keeping the Blog

This blog has been an important part of my writing process/journey and I think one of the positive sides of this lockdown is the opportunity it has afforded me to painstakingly reflect on my decisions before I take actions.

I remember when I signed my blog up for Google Adsense, it wasn’t in the plan when I first began. Of a fact, I lowkey disliked how ads pop in and out of my post like a show😏.

Spending time with myself during this lockdown and seeing how much I care about having a uniformed look even on my Instagram page made me realise that I have more than a thing for uniformity and organization; I know what you’re thinking 🙄

creating during lockdown
Pic Credit – @ibukunwrites/IG

On Creating for Joy.

Lately, I have realised how both unrealistic and realistic expectations of being, which are very much independent of who I am or what I want, have drawn me into this negatively overwhelming space.

One of the things I realised during this period is how I want to stop longing for a time when I created without expectations and just allowed things to intentionally take its course. I mean, I do not want to keep longing for a time I… Click To Tweet

Yesterday, I read this amazing article that resonated with me so strongly and it got me reaching into myself and longing for that time when creating was simply for expression and joy. I thought about many times I have done something that people have found spectacular or resourceful and they say, you should make money with this thing and I’m like I just enjoy it! But was that enough for me when people look at me like that’s rather under-ambitious?

If there is one thing I haven’t failed to ask myself during this lockdown, it has to be when do I start to matter? I understand that capitalism is trying to make a slave of everyone but should it be at the expense of my mental health?

self-care in lockdown
Pic Credit – Pinterest

On Lockdown & Blogging Again

One of the things I realised during this period is how I want to stop longing for a time when I created without expectations and just allowed things to intentionally take its course. I mean, I do not want to keep longing for a time when I could just find my way back.

The first time I made “money” from blogging, it came totally unexpected considering the fact that I haven’t even published a post in months. Not even a tap of Google ads running out and about my posts have credited my Adsense account. Maybe I’ll reactivate Google Adsense another time but for now, it’s a kind of race which makes my creative legs weighty.

I have come to accept that I will always be under-ambitious to a lot of people in and outta my life but blogging has never been a money-making venture for me. If the money comes along the line, I’ll go for it real hard but I do not ever want to lose the joy and freedom I find in writing for expression sake.

Most times our desires are met while we are busy working on our goals. When some people in my life tell me that I have so much going for me and a lot to look forward to, I struggle with believing because it doesn’t seem like it. I now understand why it doesn’t, because I have given myself away to all of these pressures that I do not seem to see how actively focusing on not giving up on the miracles of now is to the benefit of my future.

blooming in lockdown
Pic Credit – Pinterest

Here’s the thing;

I have decided to start picturing my future more often than ever; to write every business idea down as they come (I have quite a number of them), to give all of myself to this book I’ve come to life to comman read and make money from 😂😂😂, to never give up on that dream job till I get it, to keep writing till I’m not just exceptionally good but a writing god, to create more opportunities for myself however I can, to keep shedding unhealthy weights of expectations and live more freely each new day, to explore new creative horizons, to never ever give up and to remember that even without my blog, I remain a brand.

Most times our desires are met while we are busy working on our goals. Click To Tweet

Hey! there, welcome again!

Till I come your way again in another post,

Try your best to stay sane; this lockdown is a lot to go through, but we’ll win!

Love, lights and joy,

Ibukunwrites💕.

Before I shaped you in the womb,

I knew all about you.

Before you saw the light of day,

I had holy plans for you:

A prophet to the nations –

that’s what I had in mind for you.

Jeremiah 1:5 (MSG)

7 Comments

  1. Girl With Soul

    April 23, 2020 at 7:46 am

    Dear Ibukun, I’m happy to read from you again, and to know that I’m not alone in this constant self evaluation and refining of decisions.

    Expression is therapeutic and joyous! Don’t beat yourself up about being “under-ambitious,” keep being you and shining baby girl!

    1. ibukunwrites

      April 24, 2020 at 3:21 pm

      Awwww dear! Your comment is such a soothing balm! Thank you so much! ❤️

  2. Oluwaseun Ogunsanya

    April 24, 2020 at 12:17 am

    Amazing 👌😍

    1. ibukunwrites

      April 24, 2020 at 7:11 am

      Seunnnnnnn! Thank you so much! 😘

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