Memoirs of A Repentant Hooker: EPISODE 1
Copyright 2015 Ebukun Gbemisola Ogunyemi
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Come out now o! I no dey follow u play o! which kain nonsense be dis na?” “O o ni jade abi (you won’t come out now abi), ashawo, you don overchop dis time o! ‘Amuofia come out na o, ehn ehn!” Mama Seun was shouting at the top of her voice and banging the door at the same time. . . Sometimes, I wonder what type of microphone is rooted in the woman’s oesophagus. It was just 5.00a.m. in the morning; God knows that my sleep had been murdered; chai! Abi which kain gobe be this one on Saturday morning?
I wasn’t lost in my thought that much when the iron hand and microphone-pitched voice of Mama Seun threw me back into reality. “Were, so o ni bo o de ni? (madwoman, won’t you come out) ‘Onyiara’, ‘Onyiochi’ . . . Papa Sola o! Mama Titi, Ada, Eliza! Make una come out o. . .” she continued to rant. Walking hastily to my door, I was full of laughter to the brim, this woman will not finish me for this compound. “Wetin eyes never see sef. . .? that’s my mind calming me; but wait o, “this smells bad, this one wey Mama Seun don dey alert everyone wey dey No. 5. . .” my other mind was warning me. . . but seriously who cares? I haven’t done anything to be worried for.
Mama Seun’s heavy fist landed on my door again; I held the door knob, trying to open the door but God knows that my mind was long gone, one minute I am feigning ‘wetin she go do’, the other minute, I’m f**king scared and I don’t know which of the feelings is real but something tells me that na the fear real pass. “Shey if I no open the door, she go kill me? she go just frustrate commot na ni” I murmured to myself. Mama Seun is not one to be toyed with and ever since I became a tenant at No. 5, I have made it a point of duty to always stay in my own lane. I chuckled; “what’s so funny babe?” I said to myself. Nothing much really; (na me dey ask, na me dey answer). Anyways, I just remembered one of my real goons, a brother soon to blow in the music industry wey be say na only shikini time remain, his name is Bragadosa. That’s not his real name though, that’s one of his songs title, but that’s what I call him. He always says “na my lane I dey o”; very funny, but that slogan had kept my relationship with Mama Seun at a sane level. Where should I even start from?
Mama Seun’s body structure can make Aki and Pawpaw piss for body if dem try nonsense. She’s black not dark, heavily built, 6.3ft tall with a broad chest that always make me wonder each time I see her, if she be gym instructor in her past life. She’s big from her chest side to the waist line, then from her waist, she con slim no be small. . . I can’t remember what body figure Amaka gave her body but I know say the figure number no dey this world. . . The worst part is she has small tits, like the size of fruit; the biggest size a fruit tree seed can ever be. Why do they even call that thing fruit sef? I chop that thing tire when I small, even till undergraduate days. After I don chop am finish, I go carry heavy stone to break it and eat the groundnut inside it.
Hmmm (I sighed), Mama Seun’s tits can be small but she unbelievably fed four kids with that small thing. Choi! I don miss Amaka o, that girl na proper ‘were’, she can lampoon Mama Seun’s tits like crazy. She go talk say, “wetin Papa Seun dey hold sef?” and na true talk; the man hand big no be small, one hand is as wide as a plantain leaf. It can couple me and Amaka’s boobs together and the hand go still get space and no be fruit tits o! Proper B and C cups. . .
Hmmm, I lifted up my eyes and caught the clock, it was already 5.30a.m., Mama Seun still dey shout for there; na she sabi, na when I wan open my door, I go open am. Walking back briskly into the room, Mama Seun’s voice began to intensify, she wasn’t the only one screaming this time, I could hear murmurings from neighbours. One voice that was distinct enough was Eliza’s. That girl can ‘gbeborun’ for Africa; I’m so sure she would be the first person to come out on Mama Seun’s call.
Eliza and Mama Seun na 5 and 6; always together tending to their daily businesses, and guess what that is, gossiping of course. Me and Mama Seun would have been the closest neighbour at No. 5 but me being me, I don’t mix with ‘hybrids’, I do pure ‘werewolves’ or pure ‘vampires’ only; too much vampire diaries and supernaturals. Elizabeth turned Eliza, thanks to people like Mama Seun. Elizabeth is too ‘tush’ to pronounce, but Eliza is more Nigerian for her. I almost beat that babe one day, but na ‘tori’ for another day. Eliza already grew to like the way she’s being called. Wetin the yeye girl sabi before; ‘all eyes on me’ and ‘olasanmi’ no be the same thing?
Eliza is a Senior Secondary School 3 student, she is Igbo, born only but bred in our area, she is popularly referred to as ‘Mama Seun’s Igbo Teacher’. Yea right; she is the one who teaches Mama Seun all her sickened Igbo insults she’s been vomiting since morning except that she is a good teacher and Mama Seun na terrible and poor student. Eliza is a black beauty, she’s sharp, intelligent, 5.7ft tall, slim but proportionally ‘hipful’ with a rounded perky breast which she flaunts about in transparent clothes without a girdle to hold them. She always reminds me of my young self back in the days. Her only defect is that she’s highly ‘loose.’
Lifting up my head from where I was seated, the clock sounded and then it dawned on me that it was 7.00a.m. already. I definitely have places to go to today and Mama Seun that I know would never retreat until I surrender. I decided to brace up to the fate at my doorstep, I walked smartly to the door in my hot night-wear, my hands on the door knob with an attempt to unlock it and there it was, I just did.
Ebukun Gbemisola Ogunyemi