THE MARRIAGE NARRATIVES
Can I just say that apart from the fact a man is entitled to his opinions, some of y’all social media Judges need to take a chill pill and calm down with the Timi Dakolo lashing out. . . #mansgotpoints!
Two days ago, I woke up and had read one of these gist on Instablog9ja about marriage (Tonto Dikeh’s) and I was so sad because number one, it felt like the issue wasn’t going anywhere soon and two, like how do we get to the place of hating so passionately what we once loved, protected, defended and sacrificed for so passionately? And then I realized that sometimes, maybe it takes feeling deserving and accepting of shits and abuse to discover that we don’t truly deserve what we take and settle for, but there is a level of anger that comes with abuse which lingers on for a long time till healing is done.
I’m not saying that is how we get to the place of hate. . . I’m saying sometimes it could be a reason; knowing you fought so hard and even had to lie just to show how much you ‘love’ only to realize the other person placed no value on you can hurt as hell which takes me back to the part where I had to write this
. and most importantly, seeing Timi Dakolo’s post yesterday about marriage literary confirmed what I had said.
The man was just trying to point out the obvious truth everyone has been trying not to come to terms with that divorce is now kinda the new cool stressing emphatically that marriage is for two complete adults and as much as divorces happen (especially for reasons like domestic violence, abuse etc.) no one should ever enter a marriage without their complete self; marriage doesn’t make an incomplete person complete! Don’t enter marriage thinking it’d fix whatever pain you were unable to fix from your single days. Let it not be that you didn’t fight for your marriage – you didn’t give it a benefit of doubt that it could survive the challenges you both are facing. You just don’t get to walk out at every opportunity without working it out because it just seems like this generation is a generation that would rather not consider other options but speak of divorce first!
I think a lot of times, some of us had found ourselves trying so much to work out a dating relationship too many times and at the end of the day had to walk out of and by so doing, we probably got tired of trying to work things out because it always seemed to end dissolved. It scares me seeing two people who once lovingly held hands now sitting miles apart in a courtroom and can’t even afford to look each other in the eye. . . sometimes it becomes so messy that children are brought in to help corroborate in taking the other person down. . .smh!
As much as #mansgotpoints! The reaction he got from people like Toni Payne is another angle that I, Ebukun Gbemisola Ogunyemi will never handle lightly. I totally agree with her that no one goes to the altar to say I do just for the fun of it only to come out months or years later to declare he/she doesn’t!
Someone left a comment on instablog9ja and I was so impressed with her reasoning. See ehn, People divorce sometimes not because they didn’t consider other options that included losing themselves, sacrificing their desires, faking it, keeping a public eye and appearance, etc. just to make it work and in a society where we feel a married woman is more honourable than a woman who walked out of her marriage, we’ll do anything not to lose our reputation with the society and when it now backfires (death, disease, public shaming, etc.) the same society is still the one to say why did she do that to herself? If there is anything I have learnt, the society don’t always care for his own! He ain’t got your back – Always leaving you to dry, so if you wanna live long, with a happy and fulfilled life, don’t let the society make the damn rules for you! I, Ebukun Gbemisola Ogunyemi will never tell a woman to stay in a marriage/relationship that threatens her sanity. I’ve seen a woman whose mental-problem story was that she caught her husband with another woman and she just went mad like that. . . marriage shouldn’t make you insane, it should never make you a bad and hurtful version of yourself! It should never be the reason you lose your vigour, it should never be the reason you become a liar. . . that’s a selfish union, it’s no longer the coming together of two people but one person still becoming one or on the verge of being half.
A very quick one sef, marriage is not for everyone! And it’s Biblical.
We’ll save ourselves a lot of problems if the society stop trying to make a married woman out of every woman! To marry is not a choice the society should make for the woman; it is her own decision to make! Not everyone is cut out for marriage. You can prepare a child for examination for all you care, he can decide to write or not to write it! That’s the way preparing girls for marriage seems like to me. . . the woman doesn’t owe this goddamn society marriage! The society should stop trying to make the woman feel like a weirdo for not wanting marriage. . .
you cannot categorically say she’s unhappy because she’s unmarried. A woman doesn’t want to give birth, you start scabashing! Everything is not spiritual or I gave birth to you, you must birth yours! Most times, these things are psychological! Let a woman own her reason for not wanting something. It’s very simple! You make wives out of women who don’t want to be one and you question their misery? Oh! Please! That’s so you’re doing me and you’re saving me kinda thing in Yoruba land. Marriage is more than the ring, the party, the aso-ebi, the Mrs., the change of name! You don’t even give these women the opportunity to certify their readiness – do you care if they have the enthusiasm for marriage? Why would you go into something that doesn’t make every fibre of you ecstatic? I don’t owe you a change of name! I do not owe you a Mrs. Tag. . . I do not owe you marriage. . . it’s not an end to scarce means! And that’s why we have women who are being oppressed and abused real good in their marriages and still, they would keep quiet, keep a good front just to make an impression on a society that doesn’t give a hoot about them and make their friends feel as if they are missing something. Girl! Your life is real, so don’t play house of cards with your emotions – be real!!!
A woman started learning the art of being fake especially on how she’s being treated by men from boyfriend days. To be hurt by a guy is abnormal; a man doesn’t always have to hurt you! That’s crap! Let them be responsible for it! A guy should never have to be a guy!
Finally, I think there are lots of marriage narratives and I have been able to categorize them into three;
1. The narratives of the ones who are enjoying their marriages
2. The narratives of the ones who had to sadly come to terms with their marriage being over.
3. The narratives of the single woman who had suddenly become married.
These narratives will always be different and you know what I think, none is inferior to the other (talking about 1 and 2). You are not a better woman because you got the best man! And you are not inferior to your married colleagues because you had to have it rough a couple of times or more than a couple of times with marriage yet you’re still trying to get it right! They got a great guy? God be praised for them! we do this a lot in the society, trying to fault the narrative of our fellow woman because you’ve become so carried away living in your heaven that you forgot some people live, go through and withstand hell in the disguise of marriage.
Conclusively, this is the part that I find a little insensitive especially with our single sisters that got married not quite long. It’s like marriage has a way of making them feel like they are better than every other person still single out there. It’s not all of them but some. Please, you are married not non-existing! It’s as if it teaches them how to be unreal with issues that are real! All of a sudden, they start reacting to issues whose truth are so obvious by trying to make the other single woman feel so uncomfortable and then I’d start asking myself – when did you get married sef? Is it not this same issue everyone is seeing like this? At least, if you must see it differently, don’t let us sense that you are because you’re trying to make an impression on us as a married woman! Marriage is not an avenue to be insensitive to your fellow woman! You are first woman before married woman! Enough of all these fakeness going around – women need real and women can get real when we become real and don’t try to act all better than all
And never should a woman say to another woman that it is her fault for getting married to a man who treated her less than she deserved! This storyline is boring! You wanna blame someone for reducing a fellow human to the bin because he probably was raised by a sexist society that the perfect way to be hardcore is to treat the woman that submission is hers and subjugation is his and by so doing, he becomes the man everyday, girl, take your biggest behind and holier-than-thou fourth finger off my mental property! You wanna blame someone, go blame the man! You don’t victimize people for being treated in an undeserved way; you victimize the oppressor, not the victim!
And just like that, I’m done! Happy Thursday guys!????
Welcome to the weekend. . . lol and I’d see you this weekend with a movie review! I can’t wait????