My Depression Memoirs
People think depression is sadness, crying or dressing in black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again. ~ healthyplace.com
Depression has been one of the silent battles of my life. I had my first that lasted four years in 2011 and again, in 2017, I began having another phase.
I remember starting this year on a very hopeful note – I mean, the moment I celebrated another year in 2017, I was hopeful and positive about a lot of things. There were promises and aspiring new beginnings even though, at a point, I questioned my readiness to have them but looking back through the moment of happy new year through now, I discovered that things had not panned out the way I wanted; everything I probably thought I wouldn’t have to go through anymore, I’ve had to experience it more than before – I’ve been battling depression for months now but I’ve come to realize that the more life comes at you, the stronger you are forced to become and yea, maybe life will keep coming at us to take a hit, maybe situations may never change but I’ve realized, with every brokenness survived, we evolve and with every evolution, we become better in our approach and attitude to life.
I’ve realized so far, through the years of my depression, that happiness isn’t something determined by our situation; happiness is intentional, happiness is a state of mind; something that comes from within, with energy that makes every going through immaterial; something that makes you feel great even when the struggles don’t look great.
Happiness is more than smiles; it’s a state of mind we daily aspire to achieve! It’s how we stay in control and to possess such a great calm even while in the storm takes a lot of daily intentionality. More like nothing is sapping your energy no matter how hard it tries, you’re the one trying to radiate the energy from within to defy the physical odds.
Sometimes, it could feel as if God has forgotten – like God’s not there; like can he just make it go away? The pain, the emptiness, the drain, the discomfort, the memories? But you know what, God never leaves! He’s always there.
For me, I feel God speaks more in my silence (when I’ve got so much to say to Him and I can’t find my words) ‘cause in such moments, my mind speaks what my lips denied free flow of passage.
Related: What We Don’t Know About Suicide
These days, I scroll through the memoirs of past depressive years – both in ink and in mind; I remind myself what worked, how she survived the numbness, passiveness, the blankness; how she became energized out of total exhaustion and how she found hope in despair
And maybe sometimes, you don’t know how to let people in – sometimes, depression can be so real that you begin to see almost everyone through the eyes of your depression; in such moments, it can look like you are the only one that gives two shits about you; you have opinions like friendship is overrated and it’s only for the good times – maybe you’d feel much of they’d never understand – that maybe true but not totally true; sometimes you may not be able to explain why you are feeling aloof, withdrawn, into yourself, detached but it’s okay not to know; it’s okay not to want to communicate with the whole world for a while; it’s okay to realize that sometimes just when you think you’re done with it, it comes knocking on your door again.
When life take shots at you again through depression, take yourself through the healing road, remind yourself how you healed this far! Allow yourself to go through it in your own way – embrace the process but be aware; if it feels like border line and what worked the first time doesn’t seem to work – reach out!
I’m a believer in our ability to survive, fight and win, never to give in to pressing and losing!
I say to myself “Ibukun, be determined to see another day so you get to live many days!!! It’s not over unless I say it is! But I’m never gonna say it’s over ‘cause I’m larger than life and if that’s true, I’m too big for life to swallow!!!
I’m going through my process and again, I’ll win depression but I just want you to know, if you ever feeling depressed, you can always say to yourself what I say to myself and most importantly, you should know that it is very okay to take a break from trying to take care of the whole world just so you can take care of yourself! You’ll still gonna have your world to rock when you’re truly fine!!!
Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. ~ Psalm 62:5 NLT