29th July 2019: Hello there!
My roomie’s alarm is so loud. enough to wake me but not her.
I cannot remember the last time I worked overnight since my seminar
I find it very difficult to sleep after
I’ve been dealing with insomnia for a larger part of my years. dragging my laptop, scribbling or trying to meet a deadline is how I make it productive. sometimes, I dance too. Other times, I cook
I’m not crazy. 98% of the time on insomniac days, I’m writing my thoughts. The last time I picked beans, cooked it and fried sauce at 2.00a.m through 5.00a.m, was two years ago. I recall getting to work that morning, with a polythene bag of food for five and smelling
Sometimes in October
That was the last time I packed my neatly folded clothes out of my wardrobe to fold them all over again. I was travelling for roughly
One thing I do not strive to be excellent at. It’s how I drag joy in, morning, afternoon, night! Dance is how I’m most goofy.
Insomnia wins. I can no longer stand the alarm. It sucks at being a lullaby and sounds more like a buzzing of bees. I walk towards my roomie’s corner and turned it off. I open my wardrobe to bring out the can of cookies Rinumi sent me and just like that, I bid farewell to sleep.
A bottle of water and a handful of cookies at 2.00a.m. – all is not well. I say a long prayer. If I do not know better, I would say,
I pray again.
Another alarm rings. She doesn’t wake up again. Sighs! I do not obey my alarm sometimes but I always listen first and then shut him up by going back to sleep. Again, I put it off.
A little water, one cookie and a reminder that I’m feeling drained. Then, I remember that Gabrielle Union Red Table Talk with Jada. That part she said her therapist/coach asked her to name three things that make her happy and here I am, I cannot even think of one.
Early this month, I drove out of a fellowship programme feeling pumped like a car with a full tank and now, I’m asking myself, why do I feel like I’m driving on an empty tank all of a sudden? God! I know not what makes me happy!
I want to cry but I think I have run out of tears. So, I pray. My heart bleeds and blood is many things to God but nothing. Abel, Passover night, Jesus. . .
If you ask me, I do not think I am going to make this kind of re-entry but here I am, 4.21a.m., typing my feelings and acknowledging how much I have invested my happiness in people and let it stem from things I do or don’t do and when those people leave (as always) or when I’m too tired to go on and want a little rest, everything falls apart because I can’t find a single happy in anything; not even me.
God says that I got it all wrong.
I remember the first time I bought Joyce Meyer’s Beauty for Ashes and the first time I read Sarah Jakes Roberts’ Lost and Found, I had thought that those books and the many others after it that I had read were to help make my journey to wholeness faster. I remember
Those books weren’t to speed up my healing. God says, they were manuals of grace.
I thought I had no tears. Look at me, crying at past 4 in the morning like a baby – the revelation is overwhelming. A lot of times, people that I have opened my heart to have shamed me for how long it’s taking to heal in all parts and unconsciously, I have allowed I was _____ too! Look at me now! Why is it taking you forever to make me feel like a failure at my own journey and here is God telling me each of those books that I have read by people who share similar journeys as mine wasn’t to help me heal faster but to teach me self-kindness and grace.
It’s true you left a fellowship feeling like a fully-fueled car but your fuel pump is leaking and you don’t know
You give my job to people to do and you think they can do it better. . . Love is not the end of you but the beginning of a new you! Therefore, your happiness is not in me but I am (your happiness). In other words, it means, even in nothing, you’re happy because I am! (I exist)
I think I want to do something new with my life. I think I’m gonna stop crying now. I think I’m gonna find a little sleep before 8am with my ears plugged listening to Beyonce’s Otherside. I think I’m just gonna go ahead and publish this. I think I’m gonna save the exciting features announcement for the next blog post. I think I’m ready to find what makes me happy the healthy way since I already know who my happiness is. I think I’m fully read to live.
I hope this goes beyond you reading about how my night went into morning but how yours could transform too. I hope you find this inspiring in a way.
It’s such a long read. I can only hope you read it to the end.
Love, light and joy always,
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You gotta trust your feet to find balance after a fall.Ibukunwrites |29. 07. 2019 | 5.18am.