“Lord, how wide are you willing to cover me?”

This was me with tears in my eyes, breaking down in God’s arms and letting Him know how desperate I am in need of Him.

I know it’s been a while since my last post.

One of the things I had to learn recently is the fact that I have the freedom to define what the concept of forgiveness mean to me, and most importantly, not have to defend it or explain it to anyone for approval. 

As a very self-aware person and a recovering people-pleaser, I figured that a lot of times, I’m very quick to erase my needs, desires, decisions even, to make someone else comfortable or to live up to that expectations of personhood, spirituality or whatever it is they’ve designed for me or has been socially construed to be normal.

I picked my phone to speak with someone who has hurt me so deeply and had never for once acknowledged, apologized or show sobriety for their actions but has instead gaslit me, invalidated my feelings and even made me feel like I was a crazy person for a long time.

I have not spoken to this person for roughly six months, and before then, I had been in contact with videos, audios, that made me feel like I was probably going about expressing my forgiveness the wrong way, if I was truly a Christian; that cutting off this person will not make Jesus very proud.

Although, this same person has also called me names like childish when I decided that cutting him off was the right thing for my wellness, mental health and progress, I realized that when you deal with a very narcissistic and selfish person, they’ll never see how anything is about you but them.

Even though one of my soul sisters kept reminding me that I do not have to go out of my way, discomfort and healing journey to prove anything to someone who hurt me so badly without remorse, I told myself that I could do it, that I was already in that space. I believed that just because it didn’t hurt anymore like it used to six months ago, and that for Christ’s and who I am sake, I could do it, I put a call through.

I watched myself tell someone who hurt me and didn’t care that he did, that although he hurt me, ex-communicating him isn’t who I am, and although I had vowed never to reach out to him, I decided to do it regardless. Then I listened to him say things like, it’s so good to hear your voice, and the sound of your laughter, how are you, how are your siblings, a struggling closing remark of take care, and I convinced myself that you see, that wasn’t bad.

Then I woke up the next day to something that triggered a feeling of worthlessness while scrolling through my phone. I went from remembering a couple of painful experiences, to feeling like Meredith Grey. The difference is, I wasn’t tearfully saying, pick me, choose me, love me, I was wondering why it’s so hard for people to love me, to choose me, to pick me. What is it about me that my parents and many other people could not choose, love or pick.

I feel like for the most parts of my life, I’ve probably not been begging to be chosen, loved or picked, but I have wondered way too many times why, and hoping that I am not the only one constantly assuring myself that I’m lovable, I’m worthy.

You know, it gets to a point; you begin to query the validity of those good words you say to yourself. You wonder if you say it to make yourself feel better or if that’s really the truth, looking at how every other person is saying and showing otherwise.

I just wasn’t satisfied. When I asked if I did anything wrong to deserve the actions? He said no, and when I asked why he did all that he did then? He said he doesn’t know.

Most times, closure is quite a wasteful effort. Even when I got it in times I never sought it, it wasn’t quite useful. Then something occurred to me about Meredith Grey. Many times I have read people criticize and make fun of that scene where Meredith was practically begging McDreamy to choose her over his ex-wife even though it was quite obvious that they both love each other and being chosen by him wasn’t supposed to be that complex.

But then rejection sucks. I realized that when you journey life feeling rejected, especially by people that are close to you, you desperately want at least that one thing you’re certain wants you to want you in return as much as you want them. I feel like that anxiety enveloped Meredith in that moment. Her father chose his other family, by extension, rejecting her. Her mother chose Webber, and was never really there…That kind of rejection can begin to define how you perceive yourself, and your understanding of being enough.

I cried; not because I wasn’t wanted and I had the self-respect to walk away, but because I was already replaced and it felt like everything I desired but wasn’t given is being effortlessly given to this person, and I thought it must be something about me.

Then I later realized I was very wrong about believing that I am the only one committed to daily choosing me, daily loving me, daily picking me. Where did I leave God?

I started remembering my favourite Bible verses about how he knew me before I was formed in my mother’s womb… About how he separated me for himself, he called me by name, how I am a chosen generation, his holy nation… There is no rejection here!

See, one thing I’ve come to realise is, you cry different when you step out of forgetfulness into an awakening. I looked at me, I looked at God; dude is everywhere, I reapplied my block buttons, and with tears in my eyes, I said “Lord, how wide are you willing to cover me?” and I hear him say, “as wide as you let me.”

Here is one thing that people don’t scream often when talking about the concept of forgiveness and letting go – it is okay to release someone from your heart and not feel the need to let them know that or communicate with them. To forgive and forget doesn’t mean to lose memory of the event, or to keep it in mind either. It means to make peace with whatever the situation is and move on regardless. In the words of anon, “forgiveness is not about forgetting. Forgiveness is about remembering without pain.”

How wide are you willing to let God cover you?

I don’t want anyone who doesn’t want me.

Oprah Winfrey.